The Third Decade

15 Years and Counting

OK, so the reunion wasn't that bad. There were a bunch of other people who hadn't been to the 5 or the 10 year reunions either, so there was plenty of catching up to do. Surprisingly the majority of us living in the Boston area still live in or near our old neighborhoods; the few exceptions were people who had moved to Cambridge, Malden, and Haverhill. I had been expecting more people to be suburbanites, especially since many have kids already. Apparently local roots run deep in our class.

Old habits carried forward 15 years, too. To no surprise, the loud kids became loud adults and the old groupings of friends reformed as the night progressed. Actually, the only shock was how old some people looked. It's not that they looked bad, they've just aged more than I would have expected 15 years to appear. More than once I looked at a group of people and felt like a kid in a room full of adults. Then again, I really was looking at a room full of adults...just through the memories of a high schooler.

Anyway, I'm glad that shock to the system is over. It'll be interesting to see how people and their situations change in another 10 years.

My First Reunion

According to the calendar, I should have gone to at least one high school or college reunion by now. It's been over a decade since I graduated from college and this year marks my 15th anniversary of completing high school. My excuse for not going to the 5 or 10 year reunions is simple enough, though: I was too far away. It didn't make financial or common sense to travel internationally for one night of reminiscing with people I hadn't seen the first George Bush was president or before Will Smith became a mega movie star. Speaking of Will, the trailer for his new movie I Am Legend looks great, but also like a cross between 28 Days Later and Resident Evil. But, I digress.

My high school reunion is next weekend and I'm going for the first time. I debated whether or not to bother when the invitation arrived in the mail, but I decided to take the plunge when a friend emailed and said she'd be going. She and I are in touch all the time anyway so at least I know one person there who will be fun. But as the list of attendees has grown longer and as the date has grown closer, I've gotten both nervous and excited. I know there's nothing to be nervous about, but some residual feelings from high school are bubbling to the surface. All this time I thought movies about high school reunions and the awkwardness of preparing for them were ridiculous. Now look at me!

At the same time, though, I am excited; it is my first reunion. Similarly to going to a wedding for the first time, this is a milestone event. At the very least, I can see who's doing what and who's aging badly. I know, shame on me for being so petty. I guess there's more high school left in me than I realized.

Cheers!

Here's to one year with my boyfriend and one year of Honey Brown Cards (keep your eyes out for a new card coming soon).

Color vs. Culture

Ugh...

I can definitely tell that I'm getting older when recovering from the holidays gets more difficult. Not that Thanksgiving is a particularly difficult holiday, though. All I have to do is eat; no religion or shopping required.  I really couldn't ask for anything more. Still, the ever colder weather - or maybe the tryptophan -  just knocks me out for a couple of days and makes getting up and out the door a chore in and of itself. Anyway, the long weekend also gave me time to catch up on The Boondocks and Noah's Arc, courtesy of the boyfriend's TiVo. My opinions of those shows is evolving along with the shows themselves.

The Boondocks is growing on me. I saw two episodes this week, one about the trial of R. Kelly and the Black community's response to it, the other about Granddad and his dating a white 'ho. Unlike the first episode, which seemed to be inflammatory for the sake of being inflammatory, these two episodes were a little more insightful into human nature and the contradictions in our society. One topic I'd like to see the show follow up is interracial relationships (there was an allusion to one in the R. Kelly episode). Despite the fact that interracial relationships are as old as time and that most people acknowledge that race is a construct with no useful purpose, there's still plenty of suspicion of and animosity toward interracial relationships. Additionally, Black friends who have moved here from other parts of the country sometimes despair and lament at not having been able to meet other successful, upwardly-mobile Black people for dating or long-term relationships. I've been told that Chicago, Texas, and even San Francisco are better places for Black people to date and they've suggested that I've been missing out since I've never lived in a city with a Black majority. Having lived most of my life in Boston, with stints in suburban Philly, Japan, and London, they're right. I've never been in that kind of environment. However, I wonder whether I would really appreicate it. I have spent time in majority Black cities like Philadelphia and Atlanta and always found myself ready to return to Boston before too much time passed. That's not to say that I didn't like being in a majority-Black city, it's just that those cities were not for me. SF gets props for being the only city where I'm hit on while walking down the street, and I'm dying to visit Chicago someday. New York's not bad as a gay, Black man either. Which brings me to two points: first, I think the cities I enjoy the most are those with a variety of people and diversity of experience. I'm drawn to diversity in all its forms, including diversity of dating experiences (I'm dating interracially now). Second, given that the pool of eligible people in the gay community is much, much smaller than in the general population and that there are far fewer venues for meeting eligible singles, I think gay people would be doing themselves a disservice if they weren't at least open to the idea of dating someone from a different race. As I say to the boyfriend, "it's not about color, it's about culture."Naturally it's impossible for someone with a white background to understand someone from a Black background 100%. There's a point at which an academic understanding of another person is a poor substitute for an experiential understanding. However, I think too many people use that as an excuse for isolating themselves and not giving something new a try. At any rate, I'd be curious to see how Aaron McGruder would address the subject in his cartoon.

Anyway, getting back to my stories, Noah's Arc feels like it's losing steam and is about to stall. The four main characters are just a little too close knit for interesting television viewing and the writers seem to have chosen the safe route rather than to let them grow and experience more of Los Angeles. The most recent two episodes, for example, introduced viewers to the character T Money. I really liked him because for once the show seemed to be moving away from the duality of either DL thugs or flaky queens - all of whom were insecure - to someone who was grounded and offered depth. T Money was rough around the edges, but he also owned his own business and had intellectual discussions with Chance, the college professor, in addition to knowing the 'hood. I was really hoping that T Money would have become an important character to the show and I wanted more information about why he had to run from the police in an earlier episode. However, I guess the writers felt that having Chance get back together with his cheatin' husband and daughter was a better message. Let's hope that this initial foray further into the gay, Black universe doesn't end with T Money's departure. I'm also hoping that the writers move away from using the 'hood as the convenient place where "the Other" is encountered. Just as I get tired of seeing scenes in movies and TV shows where white characters travel in Black and Latino neighborhoods to experience a thrill or where those neighborhoods are used as catalysts for plot twists, I'm getting tired of poor, Black LA being used for the same purpose. Move on, people!

What a Quack!

Are doctors getting so desperate in finding ways to convince patients to get into shape that they're resorting to race baiting? The Globe reports today on a New Hampshire doctor who is "accused of telling a patient she was so obese she might be attractive only to black men". The doctor has his supporters in town, including at least one black person mentioned in the article. According to the paper, the doctor doesn't even remember making the statement, although the Globe writes the following:

''If your husband were to die tomorrow, who would want you?" it quoted Bennett as saying, based on the woman's recollection. ''Well, men might want you, but not the types you want to want you. Might even be a black guy."

Besides just thinking that this guy's remarks are racist and stupid, I'm kinda wondering what his underlying assumptions are. Does he really think that black men, as a category of people, are attracted to obesity? Or, is the specter of attracting black men meant to scare this woman skinny? Either way, it's all very disturbing.

Word-of-Mouth

Ahh...sweet, sweet Sunday. I've finally found myself in a lull beween two busy weeks during this very busy month. The boyfriend is away in Upstate New York at a college buddy's wedding for the weekend and I caught up with my friends yesterday so I have a few hours to unwind and gather my thoughts before the rush of the work week begins anew.

Fortunately this busy period hasn't been bad, it's just plain busy. In addition to the usual 9-to-5, I've been taking care of some final touches to the ol' condo before my grad student/tenant moves in October 1. As much as I enjoy living alone, it is nice having someone else pay my expenses. I may even finally start saving money again! Wouldn't that be nice for a change?!

Honey Brown Cards also just released two new cards for women, so I took a daytrip out to western Massachusetts to shop our inventory around. All of our cards are now being sold at Northampton's Pride and Joy (20 Crafts Avenue) and I'm working on getting us into Food for Thought Books in Amherst. The stationery buyer was out sick the day I showed up, but I'll be sure to follow up that lead. If anyone reading this is out that way, please stop by the store and ask them to stock up on Honey Brown Cards. Little guys like us appreciate all the word-of-mouth we can get. For those of you in the Boston area, of course I'd like to remind you that we'll be selling our cards and framed images during Roxbury Open Studios on October 1 and 2. While I sincerely hope that you'll go around and visit as much of the open studios as you can, please come by and pick up a few cards from us, too. We'll be at Roxbury Community College in the Administration Building from 11am to 6pm both days.

And, while we're on the subject of small businesses and word-or-mouth, I'm starting up a little freelance photography business of my own. I don't have a studio, this is purely an on-site, on-demand business. I'm close to finishing a gig where I did engagement photos for a couple from Brockton. For a very reasonable price I discussed what the client wanted, scouted locations, did a one hour shoot, went over the photos with the client, provided the proofs, and produced prints. In fact, the bride-to-be enjoyed the photos so much that she asked for more prints than what our original agreement was. Of course, I am happy to provide her with a larger package (for a slightly larger fee) and pleased that she enjoyed my work. Next month when things calm down, I'll start putting my portfolio online and give my business a name. In the meantime, word-of-mouth seems to be working in my favor (this is one of several referrals which has come my way this year), so keep it comin', folks.

In the meantime, let me return the favor by pointing out three wonderful movies which I've seen recently.
- First, Hotel Rwanda. Don Cheadle is fantastic in the lead role and the movie itself is very powerful and moving. I knew a little about the civil war/ethnic cleansing in Rwanda before I saw the film, but it was nice to have the larger conflict distilled to a personal level. While in some films that may have amounted to an oversimplification and "dumbing-down" of the issue, I felt that everything was presented intelligently and clearly.
- Second, Frida. The makeup artists did a great job making Selma Hayak look...well...like Frida. Unlike Selma, Frida Khalo wasn't the prettiest person in the world, but they did a great job making Selma less glamorous. The movie itself was wonderful. I enjoyed the passion, the energy, and feeling as though I were experiencing life on the cusp of revolucion!
- Finally, Paris Is Burning. I saw this movie years ago before I came out in college. Watching it then was both eye-opening and formative in my development as a gay, Black man. I remember feeling that my stereotypes were both challenged and confirmed and that I would have a lot to take on and decide when I finally decided to come out. Watching the movie now is like remembering a long-lost friend. Even though I never went to a ball, I don't think they exist anymore. Plus, who vogues these days?! Then again, as one friend and I discussed last week, Boston isn't the place to be as a gay, Black man. Although we live comfortably here, there is a cultural element which is lacking. As a native Bostonian, I don't notice that missing piece as much as my friend from Texas does, but he's got me thinking about seeing more of the U.S. so that I can experience firsthand what he's talking about. But, that's something for another post.

In the meantime, enjoy the rest of this month. I'm sure I'll be posting again this week, though. I just saw that the Globe has another one of those occasional articles about people of color in Boston. I'm curious to see where this one goes.

Lauriston-Essoungou Wedding

Congratulations again to the Lauriston and Essoungou families. The wedding was absolutely beautiful and I was honored to be at the occasion. All the best!

The First Date Rules

For the better part of the last week, my friends and I have been talking about "the first date rules." I wrote that in quotation marks because there is some disagreement as to whether there are any rules. In fact, the belief - or disbelief - in the rules varies between men and women as well as between gays and non-gays. Straight women are firm believers in the rules, whereas straight men saw them more as suggestions instead of actual guidelines. Meanwhile, the universal gay male answer (didn't get to ask any lesbians) has been, "What rules?"

As a point of clarification, here are the two rules and their reason for being:

Rule #1: Meet in a neutral spot.
Reason: If the date turns out to be crazy, he/she can't find your house later.

Rule #2: Don't invite/bring the date home.
Reason: It's likely to lead to a situation involving sex.

While the first rule made sense to everyone, straight women understandably felt the strongest about it. The second rule, however, was what really highlighted the differences in responses. Straight women didn't want to be put in a situation where they'd feel pressured either to have sex or to reject their suitors. On the flip side, straight men said they'd rather not be invited home unless sex was likely to happen because they felt it would be a waste of their time otherwise. As one straight male friend put it, "If all she wants to do after 20 minutes is cuddle, I'm outta there." Gay men laughed at the second rule and believed that if the date was fun then there was no reason not to go home together. As one gay male friend said, "Sometimes you only get one chance, so go ahead and have fun." Touche.

But, who's to say that it isn't just my friends who think this way? What do you, readers, think of the first date rules? Before you read this, did you know they existed? If so, were these the only rules or are there others?

Marriage

This was the second weekend in a row where marriage was the theme. Well, maybe that's stretching things a little bit. I can't really say that marriage was the theme of the previous weekend, but it certainly was an issue when that married cop tried to pick me up and when my friend in Los Angeles announced that he'd be in a commitment ceremony with his boyfriend.

Anyway, this weekend was actually more marriage oriented. It started off with my friend and I spotting the bumper sticker you see above in Jamaica Plain. It was weird to see it in one of the most liberal neighborhoods in this liberal city and state. But, hey, we can all agree to disagree, right? In a way, it was good for me to see that because it reminded me to RSVP for my friend's wedding in Montreal. The invitation came some time last week and it's just been sitting on my desk at home. Another friend and I are planning to go for the nuptials this summer, probably by car. Flights aren't all that expensive out of Boston, but we figure we may as well save on travel expenses by driving. It's not that far anyway, only about 5 hours each way.

Meanwhile, back on the gay side of things, my Honey Brown Cards business partner and I attended the second annual Gay and Lesbian Wedding Expo at the Sheraton Commander in Cambridge. We went under the guise of doing market research, but we were really interested in seeing what kinds of connections we could make. After looking around, it was farily obvious that our product and what was on offer there weren't really all that compatible. Everything was specific to weddings (no surprises there), whereas what we plan to offer is more generally relationship oriented. Still, it was fun being there. I brought along an old friend from college and he and I pretended to be dating. Many of the vendors saw us together and started asking whether we had set a date for our wedding or whether we had chosen the location. It was a nice glimpse at what I hope lies in my future someday.

Modern Man

Now that I have a little more down time, I'm able to take stock in some of the goings-on from the past week. I can sum up this week in one word: men. For some reason men - and relationships - were a very-talked-about topic this week. Not all of what I heard was good. In fact, some of what I learned was downright disgusting! But it was all interesting.

* Potty Mouth: Last weekend I was cooped up indoors because of all the rain. When it finally let up on Sunday, I called up a friend. We decided to go down to Back Bay to do some window shopping and catch up. My friend is in a comfortable relationship with someone who takes very good care of him. It's not an intimate relationship as far as I can tell, but more one of convenience. Don't get me wrong, my friend has a steady job and stable life, but he appreciates having the finer things in life bought for him.

Anyway, at some point recently, my friend was at a bar when he met someone whom he says "was everything I was looking for." Apparently, Mr. Man has muscles for days, is fine as hell, earns a pretty decent living, and has a beautiful place in the South End. The two of them ended up going to the guy's house later and had a conversation over wine when the topic turned to relationships. The guy tells my friend that he's wild sexually, but is vague about some of the details. Naturally, my friend is curious and keeps asking for details. (Stop reading this paragraph if you get grossed out easily.) Finally, the guy excuses himself to go to the bathroom and comes out with a turd in his mouth! Yes, a turd! I was told that he kept it frozen for later use and that the guy's former boyfriend was into that too.

I had to make my friend stop talking for a while while I absorbed what he told me, although I asked a few follow up questions later. I was curious to know how that guy derived pleasure from using feces. The answer was as gross as the revelation, but I suppose not all that surprising.

* The Policeman: On a beautiful spring day I took a walk down a city street. While sauntering I encounted one of those policeman who monitors utility and public works construction sites. He smilied, said hello, and asked whether I was a student at the university down the street. Given that I wasn't feeling reluctantly optimistic or happily cynical (at least not at that point), I stopped and started chatting. He seemed impressed by how well I'm aging (I really do look years younger than I am), and then started asking about my sunglasses, my clothes, whether I played sports, and how often I come to that area. At first I wondered whether he was questioning me as a suspect. Slowly it dawned on me that he was hitting on me! Normally I'd be flattered, but he's not my type: older, stocky, major crow's feet, and MARRIED!

A friend asked how I knew he was married. Well, the gold band wedding ring was the clearest giveaway. Hel-lo!! Eventually I learned through his conversations with others that he also has 3 children. Still, he kept pressing me by asking where I go out to drink and dance. Luckily our haunts are completely different. I asked what his spouse thought about him going out to the clubs so often. His response was that "you gotta do what you gotta do." I think he got the hint that I wasn't interested when I didn't give him my number and refused to make plans to meet him later. How dastardly for him to step out on his wife and kids like that! For half a second I thought about anti-gay marriage activists and their claim that gay marriage threatens heterosexual marriages. What a crock of shit. Heterosexuals can't even keep themselves in line! But, what gets me even more is that this isn't the first time I've been approached by a married man with kids. What the hell is it that attracts them to me but not well-adjusted single men?

* Congratulations: On a completely different note, congratulations to my long-time friend Vincent and his fiancee, Juan. Juan popped the question while they were vacationing in Venice last month and they are due to be married this winter in Los Angeles. Er, actually it's California, so they'll have a commitment ceremony. Vincent promises that it'll be fun, so I'm gonna try to attend. Money is tight, so I'd better start saving now, I guess.

* Low Self Esteem: Unfortunately, another friend in Cali suffers from low self esteem. No, that's not my amateur assessment, those are his own words. In my usual way, I told him to snap out of it, but as one who doesn't have low self esteem, I guess I don't understand that it's not that easy. Still, this friend is handsome, well-traveled, educated, motivated, and intelligent. OK, so maybe he's a little soft-spoken, too, but he's still a catch that any woman (this guy is straight) should want to snatch up.

So, who does he end up with? He ends up with a woman whom he and I both agree is just using him until someone else comes along. Why doesn't he mind? Because she's hot. I gave him an earful about dignity and he shot back the whole self esteem thing. But isn't that a viscious cycle? If one has low self esteem and gets with someone who's just using them, eventually isn't he left with lowered self esteem from being in an empty relationship? I told him to move on, but he's temporarily blinded by her hotness.

Is this really the state of modern man in America? Friends in other cities often ask why I'm single. Well, if this is what's out there, I can't say that I'm doing bad by being alone. I really don't need a whole lotta craziness in my life.